: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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