My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
