Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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