I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
