I CAN MOONWALK!
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
