For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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