Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
