Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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