textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
