i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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