I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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