If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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