I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We are two peas in an std pod
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
