I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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