that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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