Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
