it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
