So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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