last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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