chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
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She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
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I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night