neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
