We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
