It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
