i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
