its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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