Michael Bay diarrhea
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
