Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
