your parents love me but you hate me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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