I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
