I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
