my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
