Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.