just tell him i said nine months
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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