Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
