Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.