just tell him i said nine months
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong