I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
