I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
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does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
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Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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