you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I don't deserve a penis
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
