did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He's on the porch naked. Help.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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