im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
