ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
