the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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