my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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