sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
