I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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