i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
