dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
