I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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