is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So apparently I’m into choking now
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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