Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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