he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
