Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
