Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
