did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
