there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
