There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
