Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
