WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
