were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
