I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We are all done wearing pants today
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
