I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Floor bacon is actually really good
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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