matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
